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If you're music therapist Arvis Jones, you let them bang on a drum, do the hokey-pokey or join a choir and sing.
Jones is part of a growing professional field that taps the restorative power of music to help traumatized children heal.
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But it's not just neurobiology that makes the medium a valuable tool. "With grief, the pain is sometimes so deep it hurts too much for kids to talk about what they feel," Jones said. "Music breaks down their defenses. They think they're having fun."
That helps counselors like Jones create a safe space to address the anger, confusion and fear that loss generates in young lives.
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For the little boy who hadn't smiled since his father died, that meant singing with Jones' children's choir. "Suddenly you're up there on the stage and everyone's clapping for you," Jones recalled. "He was beaming, bowing to the crowd." He'd realized that his father's death didn't mean the end of joy in his life.
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And he could hug it to his chest and cry when Jones asked if he loved and missed his brother.
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I'd always considered it airy-fairy; the notion that music can heal something as profound as grief.
Jones said that's not an uncommon view. "A lot of agencies don't want to be bothered with music therapy. They consider it frivolous — until they see it," she said.
She said it's becoming more widely used to help children deal with not just their own grief, but with the trauma of public tragedies. Jones was asked after the to share music therapy techniques that might help families recover.
"Death is not something we can hide from," she said. "But we have a hard time helping children talk about it."
Without encouragement, children tend to stay silent; some act out their pain in destructive ways.
She remembers a visit to a South Los Angeles middle school to talk with classmates of a boy whose sister had been stabbed to death. "I talked to the kids about what to expect … and asked if anyone had a similar experience," she said.
Hands all across the classroom went up. One boy said his mother had been beaten to death the year before. "The teachers didn't know. They don't ask," she said. "No one knows what to say in a situation like that. Then you wonder why the kid causes trouble in class."
On Thursday, at a conference on children's grief, I watched Jones share her music therapy techniques with teachers, social workers and counselors.