Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain

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Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
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In my vision of hell, a musician is playing in the Clowns on a kazoo accompanied by a guy playing harmony with a set of spoons.
In the musical firmament there are many instruments that shine. The sublime violin. The noble French horn. Even the petite piccolo commands a kind of polite respect.
But there are some instruments doomed to dwell in musical purgatory. You know these instruments. Some of you may even own these instruments. But like the crazy uncle who is doing a nickel at the local penitentiary,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], we don't bring them up in conversation.
So here is my updated list of the instruments that squeak, rattle and wheeze their way around the bottom of the musical food chain.
The Spoons. How boring must a meal be to encourage the use of kitchenware as a musical instrument? In the days when there were only three channels on your TV, you'd have to sit through a variety act featuring a man playing the spoons. Two minutes into the performance, the entertainer would get a swell of applause by banging the spoons against various body parts. A wound is not an instrument.
The Kazoo. Created by a man called Alabama Vest and manufactured by a German clock maker named Thaddeus von Clegg,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the kazoo made its first appearance at the Georgia State Fair in 1852. Basically,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it sounds like a pair of flatulent bees. Along with the Bobby Goldsboro tune "Honey" the Kazoo has been classified as an effective interrogation device.
The Alpenhorn. Or as commonly referred known the Ricola-horn. This wind instrument is used by the mountain dwellers in Switzerland to announce that they have a tickle in their throat,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
The Zither. The zither is string instrument used mainly in German-speaking Alpine Europe cultures. Basically,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it's the lederhosen of instruments. Orson Welles used the zither for the opening scene of the classic film noir The Third Man. Regrettably, the sound was the primary cause of Orson's infamous 20-year eating binge.
The Jew's Harp. This instrument is a lamellophone,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Which roughly translated means awful sound,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Beware of any instrument that comes with this warning: "can cause permanent fractures to the teeth,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]."
The Bagpipe. I know I will loose many of my Scottish and Irish readers by slighting the bagpipe,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but basically it's a tartan-covered chimney bellows. Remember,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this instrument is from the same clan that brought us Haggis. A dish normally made with the following ingredients: sheep heart,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], liver and lungs minced with onion, suet and spices traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately an hour.
Der glockenspiel. Translated from the German, it means Lord, that annoying. It is a percussion instrument, composed of a set of tuned keys arranged in the fashion of the keyboard of a piano. In this way,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it is similar to the xylophone. The bars are made of metal making it is metallophone. Or basically,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a higher-end version of what small children use to drive their parent crazy at birthday parties.
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